Late Arrivals at the Croquet Ball
by Sally Green
The BBC Radio 4 programme I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue The antidote to panel games has for years been running a game called "Late Arrivals". Members of the panel have to invent the names of people arriving late for a ball held in honour of a particular profession or sport.
When the croquet community was asked via the Nottingham list to suggest Late Arrivals at the Croquet Ball, contributions came pouring in both from those who were obviously avid listeners of the programme and from those who joined in for the fun of a pun. Here is a selection:
Will you welcome Mr and Mrs Quet and their son Ro.
And there's Mr and Mrs Rush with their drunken son Cut, and his heterosexual brother Straight.
Not forgetting Dolly Rush and her dog Rover. (Sally Green)
All the way from Spain; Mr and Mrs Clip-on-four-back-and-one-on-the-peg and their son Juan.
Mr and Mrs Baulk and their daughter Bee. (George Noble)
Brigadier and The Very Reverend Peel with their dead dog, the late Rover. (Rob Edlin-White)
From France M and Mme Panroquet and their son Hugh. (Strat Liddiard)
Mr and Mrs Eledge, and their daughter, Bev.
Mr and Mrs Ot, and their less-than-bright and stuck-in-a-rut son, Div.
Mr Trun, who is a Rabbi. (Andrew Winn)
Please welcome Mrs Pershot and her daughter Sue, followed as always by her fiance Max-Len Spall. (Chris Patmore)
Don't forget Mr & Mrs Edgy and their medical son Strat...
...or the poor Tactics and their lovable father Pop.
Please welcome Mr & Mrs Dard-Leave and their baby son, the new Stan...
.... accompanied by Di, daughter of the Agonal-Spreads.
Representing the Outside Agency, Lou Simpediments, and that most diplomatic of lady players, Con Tact. (Roger Wood)
Mr and Mrs McKardin and there diligent son Phil. (Liz Wilson)
Mr and Mrs Lett and their son Mal accompanied by The Grippes with their son Solomon.
The rather annoying Miss Anne Uffershot
Just arrived from Sweden, Mr and Mrs Inderhuup with their grandson Stig. (Colin Clark)
Still no sign of Lord and Lady Grip, or their family.................
Mr and Mrs Wired, they do look annoyed about something. (Richard Dickson)
And possibly last but certainly not least, we are very honoured to have royalty among us: all the way from Tubac in the distant South-West, Queen Tupalpeel. (Fergus McInnes)
We apologise for the late arrival of Joe and James whose flights were delayed; they're sharing a limo from the airport. In fact here it is. Please welcome the Hogan and Death Rolls. (Rob Edlin-White)
Not content with personal arrivals, Chris Daniels worked on appearances from croquet clubs around the UK:
Please welcome the party representing the CA:
...Colin (likes to be known as Col) Chester and his lovely wife Wyn
...Sir Bitterne Crokey-klub
...royalty from the remote provinces, the Kings Tonlangley and Stonmaurward
...those Northern chaps, Bo Dunn and Ash(ley) Bee, accompanied by the delectable Belle Say-Hall
...those West Country gentlemen, friendly Bud Leigh-Salterton and his noisy friend Sid Mouth
...the layer of the Welsh tice, Duff Wrinn
...unaccompanied: Ham Twerth, Ivy Church and Ken Illworth
...and finally, a chap who wishes to be known simply as Lester.
Bob Burnett decided it was time to move on and asked: All the arrivals came through Euston via Tottenham Court Road; but then where???
We were not disappointed by a short but interesting trip on the London Underground to, where else but, "Mornington Crescent".
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